i never use this anymore. blame myspace and facebook.
so i have 4 more days of school left. then senior check-out. and grad practice. then graduation. and that's it. a culmination of 4 years. no. 17 years. all that's happened leading up to this very moment. getting this diploma and finally being able to answer the question, "where are you goin to college?" but then what.
i'm at a point in my life where everything's basically good. i mean it's alright. i guess i should be thankful for it. but then everything around me seems so...blah. why can't the puzzle pieces just fit together so everyone's just happy. or at least content.
tryin to let go of my past, but then. tryin desperately to remember everything i went through. came across a "best friends forever" necklace when i was cleaning up my room. what is it? me bein naive? or was it just a stage. or is it a cliche. a common phrase now. forever. what is forever in this life? nothing. least not on earth. cuz it's all temporary. and that's what i don't seem to comprehend.
temporary-ism. how people can live day by day. "life to the fullest" in terms of doing what they feel like doing because it feels good. and that's all you can do. what happened to hope. hope that there is something after. and to say there is no hope is stupid. because if you had no hope you'd be dead right now. you hope for happiness. that you'll see your friends or laugh or see the sun or breathe again. just for the sake of existence. because that's all we can do. we can be. shouldn't that be enough then? but it's not.
then the hope extends further. i just don't understand. how miserable can one's life get? to have no goals or ambitions. wasting away. feeling sorry for yourself. making excuses just because that's all there is to do. how'd we get so complacent. how'd we get this way. why are we like this. why can't people see there's more to life than just life. why else would there be life. and if there were another explanation apart from god's will, then what would it really matter. what is with everyone's obsession with disproving the church and the teachings of the bible. what do you honestly get out of it? isn't life so depressing then. why would you want that.
so call me a dreamer. a believer. a blindfolded christian believing in something that so many people doubt. but then what are you. what the hell are you living for then. what is there to live for? now? cuz now doesn't matter if you don't believe in the after. so just don't, if that's what you believe. what's up with human pride. why try so hard to prove yourself. to reassure that establishments are false. what does it do. even if they are true. to make a name for yourself. to say you have contributed by disproving something people would have died for. to rest assured that we are, in fact, smart, intelligible beings. so that, perhaps, we do have a meaning. that our life has a purpose. that we are living for a reason. that every time we experience an emotional low, we'll be picked back up.
and what about those people in constant depression. what about the people who never heal. or recover. or the people who give up. or the people who did care but were taken away. all the cruelty. injustice. no, life isn't fair. but who said life should be fair? nothing ever is. the good die young, but then again, criminals get by without being punished. so who's to say what's fair and what's not. life isn't fair, which is what makes it just.
anyway. i'm tired. and frustrated. over so many things. my whole life seems as if it were a story. like i'm lookin back already and i'm not even that old. is the rest of my life gunna be like this? then all the changes. friends i made even this semester. it's all so sudden. i wanna stay. i wanna go. i don't wanna grow up. i don't wanna work. i don't wanna be an adult. and have responsibility. i don't want it. yeah i do. but no i don't. give me back the childhood i can barely remember. the times i can faintly remember. to think i see through the same 2 eyes. experiencing everything. then looking back with those eyes. witnessing change. growth. or something else. this nostalgia is suffocating me. whatever it is. i can't shake it. | 
